The Unattached Woman's Guide to Sex 🧵

My foolproof logic to protect your heart 🧮 ✨

For me, mastering the art of no-strings-attached sex was a total accident. Since I first wrote about dating Mexican men, I’ve been looking for a boyfriend on Bumble (i.e., a long-term, monogamish relationship). While my profile says I’m looking for “a fun, serious relationship with someone who lives in Mexico City,” that endeavor has proven to be very difficult. So I’ve been making casual pit stops into random men’s pants to maintain my sanity and have a little fun.

Today I’m going to share my very pseudo-scientific logic on how women aren’t destined to be bonded forever to every guy we fucked.

The Logic

This process only works if you are 100% honest with yourself when it comes to the question: “Is he long-term relationship material?” To answer this question efficiently is a skill that you can build with time. It means not living in a fantasy land, and being realistic about the logistics of where you both live, who this person is, and what you are looking for.

The more men I’ve dated, the faster I come across deal-breakers. I no longer get hung up on workaholics, alcoholics, potheads, nomadic douchebags, men who tell me they have a thing for blondes, men who don’t text me back, men who are only in my city for a good time (not a long time), men fresh out of a relationship, or men who can’t make me laugh.

Instead, I pay very close attention to what these men say to me on our dates, what they are not saying, and how they act. If they don’t show genuine interest in me, or a desire to connect or care, I don’t think twice about it. I move on. Of course, sometimes I wish a hot, smart, rich guy were more available, but I can’t change that, and I don’t have enough time to sit around and wait for them to fix themselves or like me more. If I want to have sex with them, I do it to enjoy myself and nothing more.

If you’re not sure if a guy is long-term relationship material, and you might want a deeper connection with him, I recommend you withhold sex from them until you figure that out. Meet up again at a later point in time, and assess whether he meets your long-term relationship criteria in a different setting.

The Other Essentials

1. Make a good dating profile 📲

After tweaking mine for months, I’ve finally got it down. Below are the screenshots of my Bumble profile, which helps me match with lots of hot and interesting men. So, yes, you have to put yourself out there, and having a stellar dating profile is a great way to do that. If you only have old or uninteresting pictures of yourself, take some new ones and improve your profile over time.

2. Know what you want 🤓.

“I date younger men for sex. I want lots of stamina and very short recovery periods. I don’t get those with men my own age.” — Cindy Gallop, Style Like U.

I selected “Wants kids” and “Long-term relationship” on my Bumble profile. But the men I match with rarely read this, and I’m sure they just swipe anyway to see what they can get away with. That’s fine with me. I can have sex with someone simply because I want to. Read “How to be Shamelessly Sexy” to learn more.

3. Be smart about it 💡.

“Freedom without insulation is just exposure. To unwanted pregnancies. To STIs. To men who don’t believe in foreplay or boundaries. To misinterpreted power dynamics, coercion dressed up as flirtation, and full-blown abuse." - Casual Sex is a Rich Woman’s Sport, ensainte.

Obviously get birth control, use condoms, or just brace yourself for the fact that you might need to take Plan B. So make sure this is something you can invest in and do. And if it isn’t, then screw it. Go focus on your career.

4. Be realistic 🔍.

You know what is going to save your ass? Using logic and being honest with yourself about who this guy is. Not who you wish he was or who you imagine him to be when he gets a fancy job.

If a man has selected that he’s looking for “Fun casual dates” and “Intimacy without commitment” on his Bumble profile (see how casual sex is codified in our culture?), I use that extremely useful information, and I don’t try to change him.

5. Dip into the science 🧪.

Firstly, the popular claim that “women bond more after sex” is not supported by human data. While women can have much higher baseline oxytocin levels than men (up to 3x higher (Marazziti et al. 2019)), this can vary; human bonding is way more complex than just oxytocin levels. Both sexes use oxytocin for bonding through different mechanisms and timing, and the oxytocin response during orgasm shows no significant gender differences (Carmichael et al. 1987, the OG study). I said what I said.

6. Decide you don’t want to be in love, or if you must be, choose the right person 🧍.

“The moment you decide you don’t want to be in love, that just cuts a whole layer of crap out of your life.” — Cindy Gallop, Style Like U.

I believe falling in love with someone is a choice. You can choose who you fall in love with, who you give your energy to, and who you give the time of day. If you do really want to be in love with someone, then be sure to follow the Promises of the ACA 12-Step Program:

“We will choose to love people who can love and be responsible for themselves.”

7. Confront your shame 🫣.

Remember that shame is a normal human emotion, and it’s something you can work on as part of the journey to being shamelessly sexy. I felt ashamed last year when I had sex with a guy in my friend group, and he never really messaged me back. What I should have done was just forgiven myself and called it quits emotionally the moment the sex was over. We had sex. That was it. I didn’t want or need anything else from this person, and I don’t even need his validation.

8. Beware of your weaknesses 🏰.

If you start developing feelings for someone you hardly know after you’ve just had sex with them, I highly encourage you to speak to a professional. For example, when guys don’t message me back, I feel anxious and more attracted to them. Through therapy, 12-Step work, and analyzing my daddy issues, I’ve learned that I get addicted to excitement. It might feel like this guy is the one, but this is a pattern that I’ve witnessed with myself over and over. If I’m still hanging onto him, I give myself a couple extra doses of self-compassion, and then I move on.

9. Get your orgasms in 💦.

I don’t care who you are having sex with; your pleasure is a priority. Read “How to Achieve Orgasm Equality” and “The Ultimate Guide to Having an Incredible One Night Stand” and be sure to bring your toys.

So, there you have it! My guide to having good, quick, fun, unemotionally attached sex.

Let me know which tip was your favorite in the comments!

Love,

Tash

💌 ✍️

p.s. Behold, my Bumble Profile! 👀 🐝