My Accidental Celibacy, Part 2

A brutally honest look at the things that help and hinder my sex life.

Photo Credit: Vino Li

Originally published on tashdoherty.com.

Introduction

“I haven’t had penetrative sex in almost 10 months!” I moaned at my friend, Yulia, over Zoom on Monday.

“I mean, it’s understandable,” Yulia said, trying to reason with me, “I know you’ve been trying to get a job for a while now. Could money have something to do with it?”

I wanted to grumble some more, but her question made me pause. Yes, I thought. Even if I wanted to get naked with someone, I had the giant, impending doom of not being able to pay my rent hanging over me. I was barely surviving as my bank account dwindled, and I was low-key freaking out.

I remembered a popular article I wrote two years ago called “My Accidental Celibacy.” In that piece, I took such a positive stance. Not having partnered sex had led me to more money, more success, and more work on myself. Urgh, I had been so naive! Now, in my 31st year of being alive, this dry spell came down to far more adult, depressing things. And because of this, I was finally convinced that there was at least one thing wrong with me.

That was until the next day, when I happened to go to a women’s circle hosted by Jessica Soares. As we meditated and channeled fluidity during a new moon in Cancer (a water sign, I learned), multiple questions came to me at once. What were the things that made me feel more alive, more sexy, more living in my power and “feeling myself”? And what else from my recent past was just killing the vibe? Cramping my style and dampening my mood? I wanted to explore this.

Of course, these things might not relate directly to your experiences. I’m partly fascinated by female sexuality because I truly believe what turns us on is different for everybody. It’s as unique to you as your fingerprint. For example, crushing some hills and beating my Strava records makes me feel sexy, but you might hate that. Yet if we take the space to listen to what we like, hopefully we can each discover our own secret, magic formula. In fact, I created “The Intimacy Journal” for you to explore your own sexuality through writing and define the specific things that turn you on, too. For now, here’s as far as I’ve gotten with mine.

p.s. This list is not comprehensive and is for curiosity purposes only. For further reading, I recommend Emily Nagoski’s book “Come As You Are,” in which she explores sexual brakes and accelerators in more detail. I only discovered her neat framework once I had started writing this article. Anyway, it’s showtime!

Vibe Killers

This section was eye-opening but not very fun to write. Remember that while any one of these things on its own would be shitty to experience, sometimes adult life lumps a couple of them together for you in the span of weeks or months. Good luck trying to keep your physical or metaphorical penis up while that’s happening!

1. Being broke.

Since I’ve been literally counting down the months I can comfortably afford my rent, my level of generalized stress and anxiety has gone through the roof. I feel like I’m walking around the world as a formless, odorless amoeba. Must make money, I think to myself. Must beef up bank account. Constantly getting rejected in the job application process is extremely demoralizing and makes me feel like I’m putting my self-esteem through a fucking washing machine.

This is a sad thought, because it’s very possible that I’d benefit from another person comforting me, telling me I’m cute, and doing ruinous things to my body during this time. That would lift the mood! But unfortunately, having no money has basically left me in a circumstantial depression. I say circumstantial because once my circumstances change (I get a job, I have more income), I’m sure I’ll be way less depressed. But until then, my eyes see nothing but potential dollar signs.

If you’re enjoying this article and feeling generous, you can buy me a coffee ☕️ !

2. Grief

My last few months have been dry as a desert, partly because I’ve been grieving someone who isn’t even dead yet; my grandmother has been in and out of the hospital. Grief is a painfully unsexy thing to be going through. There’s the grief of slowly losing loved ones to chronic conditions and just plain old age, but then there’s also random, shocking types of grief that smack you upside the head when you least expect them.

The day I got back from caring for my grandmother during a heart operation, I found out my friend suddenly died after she recently became a mother. And that has been just really fucking sad. Her death happened quickly and randomly, and it’s left me feeling less in control of my life in general, which definitely does not equal feeling ready for fun, sexy times.

This boring, adult crap just keeps getting worse. If I’m reacting to my friend’s death this badly, what am I going to do when I’m actually older, in my 60s+, and people start dying for real? Do older people just get used to death more? Probably. Or maybe they just turn more #yolo. I’ve heard couples get pretty active in old people’s homes.

3. Caregiving

Another extremely unsexy subject. This is important for us women, especially us recovering people-pleasers who always put others’ needs first! I’ve even been writing about daughtering and all the extra emotional and logistical family baggage we’re expected to take on. In Los Angeles with my grandmother, I put all my attention into caring for her, buying her treats from Trader Joe’s, and dealing with her outpatient options. At some level, I abandoned myself in that hospital. Now I know that feeling sexy and feeling myself requires a certain level of prioritizing my own needs. Being a caregiver, even for a short period of time, is the opposite of that.

4. Family drama

If you find yourself in a cesspit of arguments, at some point you just reach your emotional limit for a while. And that means no more energy or interest left in the tank to cultivate relationships with potential sexual partners, or literally anyone else. Sad.

5. Being ill, or the wrong kind of hormonal

If you’re going through the flu, the last thing you want to do is fuck. But for me, this is compounded by certain times of my menstrual cycle. Every month, I get a few “ugly days” of PMS right on the cusp and into the first day of my invisible period (I don’t bleed because of my hormonal IUD). Even worse, my ugly PMS days gave me the biggest ick for two of my previous boyfriends, and my attraction to them never recovered. So, straight men, be warned: the cusp of the period is a delicate time. Better make an effort with your appearance and be on your best behavior.

6. My loner lifestyle

Working alone from coffee shops, I’m not, for example, in a physical workplace like a massive Google campus, which would expose me to potential partners all the time. I hated having a physical 9-5 job, but I did interact with a lot more people at the Postmates office, and surprise surprise, that is where I met my last serious boyfriend. A weird advantage of working in tech, where there’s lots of gender discrimination and very few women, is that there are lots of men to choose from.

7. Work stress

While I’m obviously extremely happy with how The Intimacy Journal turned out, I wasn’t thinking about dating at all while launching my book. It was amazing to dedicate myself to a project I deeply cared about, but I chose to prioritize my work over sex. My books are my babies, and while it was creatively fulfilling for me, I wasn’t getting it on because not much else seemed to matter.

Vibe Hypers

Now that we’re done with the depressing, sad part, I’m thrilled to announce (LinkedIn cheesiness only, please) the things that actually make me want to jump people’s bones.

1. Feeling strong

I recently wrote about how running made me feel sexy again, and it’s true! There’s a flow state I get into with running, especially trail running in a beautiful place. This is not about looking cosmetically Instagram-hot in a bikini. It’s about truly pushing the limits of what I feel capable of, as some might say, “being a baddie.” When I’m crushing some tough hills, I feel that spring in my step. I feel alive. I feel strong. I can do anything.

2. Excursions

I am a woman who loves my freedom. I love visiting beautiful, mystical churches and exploring interesting alleyways. Novelty is exciting to me. I started going on these excursions when I was about 14. Growing up in London, my family lived near the stop of a fancy commuter bus called the Oxford Tube, which took you right into Oxford, the English equivalent of a Mexican “Pueblo Magico.” In many ways, I feel most myself when I am immersed in a new, captivating place. That curiosity translates into every fiber of my being. Plus, I have some cool stories to tell a potential partner, which makes me feel more attractive.

3. Traveling somewhere new

I keep hearing stories about how people met their partners while on vacation, and I get why. I met the oral-sex-loving barista on the second day I arrived in Mexico City (I have since joked that you shouldn’t date the first barista you meet, anywhere. Period). But in all seriousness, being somewhere new physically also seems to open my mind, my heart, and even my legs, because there’s a carefree nature to it all. You’re already in a new place, and so the transition from being in a new place to being with a new person feels seamless. Try it for yourself, I dare you.

4. Cute, thoughtful gestures

This only works when I’m attracted to a specific person, and we’re getting to know each other romantically. There’s nothing that quite gets me going like a little gift or act of service that shows this person cares about me. These examples stand out to me: a lemon tart baked (my favorite dessert, he was paying attention), a quiche Lorraine made from scratch, and latte art in the shape of a cat. I mean, come on, people! How fucking cute is that! When a partner signals that they are looking out for me and my needs, and gets it bang on, it’s not long until I fall into bed with them.

5. Humor! Playfulness! Joy!

Humor is that fast track to connection, when I start to focus on the person in front of me, and everyone else fades away. I need to be enjoying myself if I’m going to have sex with someone, and that includes emasculating my potential male partners with flirty jokes. I recently went on a date with a dude to see a live jazz band at Casa Franca in Roma Norte. He was quite forward and clumsy, but he was also so funny. I couldn’t remember the last time I had laughed that much (depression, lol). I made out with him on my couch soon afterward.

6. The right time of the month

I get a surge of energy and horniness in my follicular phase, right after my period but before I ovulate. I feel energized, hot, and frisky, and it’s fun! Even around ovulation itself, I feel that craving coming on. It doesn’t last forever, but this is the week or so in the month when I have the most energy to go out, dance, party, meet people, and increase my odds of finding a mate. Biology is a controlling bitch, but I guess that’s how we’ve survived this long.

7. Being in nature

Being in the mountains, swimming in a lake, and being offline all help me relax and just enjoy the present moment. Getting out of my head and into my body helps me feel open to new partners or connect more deeply with one I already have. Plus, seeing trees and gazing at stars often inspires me creatively, which keeps things flowing and interesting.

8. Listening to audio erotica

I love the brand Dipsea, and as I was applying to write for them, I decided to listen to some of their content to get a sense of the voice. I landed on their series called “Lecture Me,” which I highly recommend for any of you sapiosexuals out there. It only took me about 10 minutes of listening before, in the words of Miriam Margolyes, “I started to cream in my knickers.” Yes, it was a weird thing to experience in the middle of the coworking space where I was sitting. So please, folks, only try this at home.

Conclusion

Overall, my experience in that women’s circle made an impression on me. Those conversations lasting deep into the night helped me realize that maybe I wasn’t the only woman in the world whose sexuality and self-expression are important to her, yet who hasn’t had partnered sex in months or even years. Still, their compassion and helping me feel held convinced me that I need to stop judging myself harshly by some invisible yardstick.

When we put ourselves in situations where we can be held compassionately, we can go from feeling somewhat ashamed of our sexlessness to feeling open to embracing others’ experiences, seeking their advice, and feeling comforted on our journeys. I might still be going through a hard time, but hearing other women’s experiences reminded me that at some point in the near or distant future, I will have sex again and everything is going to be okay.

So, besides your own sexploration through writing in your sex journal, if you find yourself in any kind of dry or wet spell, I recommend you find yourself a person or a small group of people you can simply shoot the shit with.

Which of my vibe killers or vibe hypers resonated with you? Or what would you have included for yourself that I didn’t mention here? Drop me a note on Substack or email me. I would love to hear your vibe killers and vibe hypers.

Love,

Tash

💌 ✍️

Or if you’re more of a fictionista 💃….

What I’m Currently Listening To 🎶

This song has been keeping things interesting, as I try to dig myself out of a hole. I’m finally get my first interviews since my job rejection 🔮.

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