The Hidden Cost of Being a Daughter
3 shamelessly sexy tips for recovering people-pleasers
Happy Tuesday, love!
Shit has really hit the fan since I got rejected from the extra final round of interviews for that job I was going for. I’m absolutely furious, but I want to maintain a sense of normalcy and send you on your way with 3 shamelessly sexy tips this week before I go shoot emails to everyone like a motherfucker 😈.
Before I got rejected and completely lost my mind, I went for a run in Chapultepec in Mexico City, and listened to a great episode of Honeydew Me with Dr. Allison Alford called:
Dr. Alford’s work, and upcoming book, talks all about the invisible labor that we do as daughters (and designated sons!), which we’re going to identify and unlearn today. So please, enjoy!
Your Shamelessly Sexy Tips 💁♀️
Desire It 💋
“A daughter is a role that women perform, and we start performing that role as soon as we’re born…Start by pointing out the daughtering you are doing, because there is so much hidden daughtering.” — Dr. Allison Alford, Honeydew Me Podcast.
As a shamelessly sexy person, you need to separate other people’s voices from your own when it comes to what you actually want and how you spend your time. To do that, you need to make your invisible labor visible.
Take a minute to write down 10 examples of things you were expected to perform as a daughter in your family, or you did just because you felt guilty. My examples include:
I flew to take care of my grandma in the hospital for 5 days (caregiving)
I planned a Christmas outing in London for my family (from Mexico City, wtf was I thinking)
As the eldest, I got Christmas presents for all my younger siblings this year, and they did not get me anything
I’ve given up my bed, food, time, space, etc, for my younger siblings while on family holidays
Honor It 🌞
“As women we often are not putting enough resources just on ourselves and our wellbeing. We give it all away.” — Dr. Allison Alford, Honeydew Me Podcast.
In the examples of invisible labor you listed above, or any others you come up with, reflect on whether you were honoring your needs or yourself in those moments. Did giving away your resources compromise your own well-being? If you didn’t feel guilty, how many of those tasks would you want to keep doing?
Remember: if you don’t prioritize your needs, no one else will.
Act On It 🎯
“Most of us need to work on more boundaries with our families because that is self-care, that is well-being…You are an agent of change in your relationship…If that person is safe, start the communication with that person.” — Dr. Allison Alford, Honeydew Me Podcast.
Now that you’ve separated the invisible labor you do and don’t want to keep doing, take a small step by telling a safe family member about the tasks you’re not going to do anymore. Or, if your family is dysfunctional like mine, just stop doing the tasks and see if anyone notices.
For example, my cousin’s wife was about to give birth, and my family wanted to get a present for them from all of us, rather than getting them something from their designated baby registry. I got them something off their registry and didn’t feel guilty, while my next-in-line sister ended up coordinating the shared family gift. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Further Reading 🤓
“Having it All” by Corinne Low, PhD
“Good Daughtering” by Allison M. Alford, PhD
What is your hidden cost of being a daughter? Share some of your family’s expectations of you, tasks you completed out of guilt, or shit you’re going to let go of from now on in the comments!
See you next week!
Love,
Tash Doherty
Author of These Perfectly Careless Things
Creator of The Intimacy Journal
Course Teacher of Writing to Rekindle Desire
💌 ✍️
Extra Treats I’m Working On 🍬
A Podcast Episode I Love 🎙️
I was interviewed by the Honeydew Me gals, Cass and Emma, a few months ago. It’s one of my favorite interviews I’ve ever done, because in it, you’ll get to hear me read two poems and prompts from The Intimacy Journal.
Lift-off! 🚀 My first writing course, “Writing to Rekindle Desire,” is now live on Teachable. This course is designed to bring you on a beautiful, deep and self-paced writing journey. We’ll dig through the muck so you can come out feeling more alive! Join me!
What I’m Currently Listening To 🎶
I’m ready to rage. I used to dance to this song in college all the time. It helps to hype myself up.
The book is out! Thanks so much for sharing these great insights and your perspective on daughtering work. -AA
the face of the "daughter" and I've been asked to "take time off from work to..." as if I didn't need the job or something. It just captured the whole experience.