Hey friend,
Have you ever returned to a place, only to be flooded with memories from when you were there before?
Maybe it was a small, forested park where you went on a date with a previous partner, at a time in your life when you were deeply in love with each other. Maybe it was a candlelit bar where you went drinking with friends you no longer keep in touch with. Yet returning there, after time has passed, feels both visceral and nostalgic.
That’s the position I found myself in a couple weeks ago. I wrote this piece about my experience and performed it at the Spring Salon of my writing class, Notes on Your Notes, taught by Joshua and Adam. They are great writing teachers who have built a wonderful community. Paid subscribers will get to listen to the story.
So, tell us: when did you go back somewhere, only to be flooded with memories? Who had you been there with? And where were you in life the time you went back? What was that like?
Lots of Love,
Tash 🤗
Back To Where We First Met
I checked my phone. Terilyn had texted me about her leaving party.
“One hour to go! See you at 7:30pm at Clandestina. I’ll miss you!”
Clandestina. The name rang through me, as I fitted my dark rouge lipstick in my bathroom mirror. Clandestina reminded me of Alessia. Now I’d be returning there without any hint to the world that we had ever known each other.
I batted at the air, as if to shoo the buzzing flies of my memories away. I hurried to get dressed. I put on a bright patterned suit, hoping the blazer’s shoulder pads would strengthen my frame. I walked the fifteen minutes to the bar, hardly noticing lights from the buses and cars tucked away on this Sunday evening. Surely I was over the worst of it. But as I passed the fish restaurant on the corner, the street began to warp. The ground became uneven. Soon enough, I stopped outside the art-deco façade. The twisted candlelight of the bar flickered from within.
I stood under the awning, the same black tarp, like a sail, that had sheltered us at that moment when I first saw her. Well, when I first felt that surge of energy, faster than I could have snapped my fingers. I remember sensing that we had something before Alessia had even turned around. Before I had even seen her face. Before I saw her giant lizard tattoo peeking out above the dipped sleeve of her coat. Before I saw her short brown hair, or the black pendant around her neck, or her strapless top. Before I noticed she was smoking a cigarette, and that she was on a date with a tall, bearded man, of all people.
Now I stood there, gazing into the cold, damp emptiness of that square of pavement. I held my breath. I needed the ridiculous, bombastic pantsuit to get through this one, I reasoned with myself. But even the lightness of the colors could only slightly dull the sinking feeling that was weighing down my whole body. A feeling that was dragging me back through time. I wanted to relive that moment with her.
In the swanky basement of the wine bar, deep amber lighting illuminated a length of tables for Terilyn’s party. I recognized friends. I hugged them hello. But choosing where to sit down, I gravitated towards the back corner on the left. Our corner. Where I had sat with Alessia and her friends, and the tall, bearded man had sat between us. And I had tried to seem interesting and to not stare at her too much even though she had the cutest laugh, and we were already being silly together.
As I sat down, I glanced at myself in the mirrored wall. My rouge lipstick looked striking against the pattern of my suit. At least I was good at faking resilience. Still, I caught a glimpse of deep knowingness in my own eye. I knew what I was here to do. I was here to paint over my memories with Alessia. In this new time, in my new suit through new conversations with different people. But for most of those two and a half hours, their words swirled undecipherably, tempered by shouts and the clanging of wine glasses. While I was a ghost, digging up the bones of when Alessia had giggled after she knocked over a thin glass of orange natural wine. And when she propped her head up on her chin and winked at me.
Time had passed, but that didn’t matter. I didn’t want to let go. With all my heart, I wished that she was still with me.
