Zoom Crush
A love letter to a man who will never read this.
Hello there,
I’m harboring a Zoom crush. It’s someone in an online community I’m in. It’s a big one and it’s been going on about a year.
When it started to creep up on me again, I checked the date. It was September 23rd, the autumn equinox. Of course, my body knew before my brain that the seasons were changing. The need to cuff and acquire someone willing to keep me warm through the winter has already begun.
I’d love to know:
Do you have a Zoom crush? Or have you had one in the past? If so, on whom?
What do you plan to do about it?
Paid subscribers can enjoy the full, juicy story below!
Love,
Tash 🌞
p.s. I’m working as fast as I can to get all the formats of These Perfectly Careless Things available to you! Here’s where you can find it:
📖 Paperback: still in production!
🎧 Audiobook: still in production!
Thank you SO much to everyone who has bought or pre-ordered a copy so far. Your support means the world to me! 🤗
Zoom Crush
I see you there, in the Zoom Room. Your body taking up much of that little rectangle I hoped could be bigger. I hoped could mean that you were any closer to me than the few thousand miles that separate us. I linger there.
I turn off my camera. Get ready for bed. The other people speak, and I listen. But when you speak, I lay my phone on the pillow beside me. Your voice is deep and dark and patient and kind. I close my eyes, curling up in my bed at the sound of it, and I imagine you there. Singing me to sleep with your words.
The meeting ends, and I lie in bed whispering to you through the ether of the air. I remember my last relationship and how I forgot about him entirely as soon as I left his country. But you are different. I dream you into being in my life. Maybe it’s because my sex life has been dry as a desert. Or maybe it’s just my deep, soul-clenching need for someone to hug me from behind, someone whose arms I can curl up into, for them to tell me everything will be okay. I prefer to think it is just you and only you who I desire. Desire, even, is a fleeting word. I want to live life with you. I want you to hang around me. I want to put my hand on your lap.
I know you are asleep right now, but I’m wondering: if I ask the universe, will it help you come into my being? We’ve never even met in person. I know. I’m embarrassed about it, also. But I’ve seen you in enough Zoom rooms to know.
Maybe I should tell you how lovable you are. That might mess things up for a while. This crush has lasted a year of days at least. Of silence, oppressed feelings, and simple, boring social pleasantries. It’s done nothing for me; only consumed me from the inside out. This is what happens when a crush is left to fester and grow. It keeps me up in the middle of the night, so I’m typing a love letter to a man who will never read it. And if he does, it may well destroy our frail friendship.
Do any of these crazy crushes ever work out? Does anyone ever admit a crazy crush on someone and have it come true? Maybe I’ll leave him a quick voice note, and then that will kind of diffuse the feelings a little bit. I’ll ask if he wants to meet in person sometime this year. Keep it casual. Yeah, let’s do that.
💌
Sounds to me like the beginning of another book!