The Conversations No One Else Is Having
A Guide for Caring Adults
As a single, childless 30-year-old woman, I don't have all the answers. Still, I've found my role in the village: being a supportive auntie to young women navigating topics they’d rather not discuss with their parents.
This all started when I worked with teenage girls one summer a couple of years ago. I realized that while I’d been stumbling through my twenties, trying to hold down my jobs and avoid financial ruin, I’d actually learned a few things about the female experience that could be valuable to them. These girls were 15 and were just starting to have their first relationships. That got me thinking. Getting pregnant in your teens when you don’t want to be is a big freaking deal. Soon, I was pulling them aside and saying,
“If you ever need Plan B or anything else, just let me know.” Then I typed my number into their phones.
When I said “anything,” I meant help sorting out gynecological issues, periods, relationships, emergencies, or understanding how to use substances like alcohol, weed, or drugs safely. If I lived in their town, maybe I could accompany them to their first OBGYN appointment or something like that. Basically, it’s all the stuff that’s part of growing up, that you can’t talk to your parents about and fear people might judge you for (hello shame!)
Here are my six tips to help you have these conversations as a supportive auntie:
Listen and validate in a nonjudgmental way 🎧
I only offer advice if they actually agree to needing it. Sometimes, it’s just about being there to validate their experiences and their pain, and confirm that having female reproductive organs is awful sometimes. Because the medical system ignores a lot of women’s health symptoms, I always acknowledge their pain first because for them it is real. For example, I’d listen and try to empathize with the side effects she experienced from taking the pill and why she stopped, before rushing in to freak her out that she could get pregnant because she’s not on birth control.
Err on the side of over-sharing your experiences 🙆♀️
Your experiences of having periods, being pregnant, or trying different birth control methods could be gold to a teenager’s ears. Plus, you may have the only honest, real-life experience from a vagina-owning person they can learn from. I take my role pretty seriously, and I provide the honest, juicy details. Pain is obviously subjective, but I try to be honest and not sugar-coat things like my period cramp pain, my IUD insertion, or the red flags of men in my previous relationships, especially around addiction, so I can help them notice the signs to look out for.
Be subtle and cautious to maintain a respectful balance ⚖️
Yes, it’s a paradox, but you have to assume they may know very little, but then ultimately respect whatever decision they choose to make. I go with the idea that I’m giving them pretty unusual information on an important topic, so I just bring them aside once a year as a reminder if they need anything, and then I respect their choices.
Beware of age-appropriateness 🫣
I’ve found the age difference of 10-15 years to be ideal, but there is also such a thing as too young. For example, I had to remove my 11-year-old cousin as my follower on TikTok because my blog’s content about orgasms didn’t seem appropriate. Once she’s 14 years old, I’ll be sure to pull her aside at the next family function.
Dr. Lisa Damour said on the Re: Thinking Podcast,
“The data give us a pretty strong sense that the single most powerful force for adolescent mental health is strong relationships with caring adults…Healthy teenagers are meaningfully connected to adults. Bosses, mentors, aunts, uncles. It doesn’t matter if it’s not your kid. You are responsible for all the teenagers in your community and for having meaningful relationships with them.”
You’re not their primary support system or a replacement for their therapist. But given that you’re an adult, you can help guide them towards professionals who could help with tough subjects like mental health, abuse, or addiction, etc., when necessary.
Don’t waver in supporting them 🌊
Young people need to be able to learn their own boundaries and make mistakes. Without anything too serious happening, trying out substances and exploring sex are normal parts of growing up.
As Simon Sinek cheesily said on the Design Matters Podcast,
“Leadership is a human enterprise. It’s not about being in charge, it’s about taking care of those in your charge...where you take responsibility that the people in your charge learn confidence, gain a skillset, have the opportunity to try and fall and try again, and discover that they were capable of more than they thought they were capable of. They cannot do that without someone who says, “I believe in you.””
Create the culture you want to see in the world 🌎
This is your chance to own these conversations, demystifying and de-stigmatizing as you go. Before you dive into being a supportive auntie, it might help to reflect on your own experiences of these conversations and think critically about how you want to approach them differently for this generation. It’s a great way to work through any shame you might have, which we know is a fundamental part of being shamelessly sexy. The ACA Serenity Prayer captures this well:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.”
Conclusion 👀
I hope this piece resonated with you and that you feel encouraged to steward a young person in your life through these issues. And remember that simply by having lived longer, you may have something to offer. I’ve found this to be both a meaningful and healing part of adulthood. If you’re able to break the cycles of shame and secrecy in your important relationships, I hope you get to experience the same.
Have a great rest of your week, and I’ll be back soon with some updates about the sex journal’s Kickstarter, which I hope will launch on October 1st!
Love,
Tash
💌 ✍️
Song pairing to get you in the teen vibe:
Hi Tash, I have a grand niece that I thought about as I read your piece. Thank you for this encouragement to be the aunt in her life who will be her non-judgmental, non-strict religious believer and open-hearted listener, with whom she will feel safe sharing her truths.