A Kinky Explanation 🔭

The Psychology of My Top 5 Kinks Revealed

Sep 16, 2025

How I envision kink psychology in my brain, lol.

I’m not ashamed to write about my kinks. In fact, I find my psychology of kink, or psychoanalyzing where my kinks come from, rather fascinating and funny. Human sexuality, as we know, is varied and beautiful. No two people’s kinks and fetishes will ever be the same, because no humans are the same either (perhaps except those two sets of identical twins who married each other, no judgments).

I’m not some sex therapist from Psychology Today, and I don’t claim to know much about the psychology of BDSM. But I hope that from reading this fully honest kink-affirming account, you can relate to at least one of them, and feel encouraged to explore the psychology of your own kinks in your own time.

What is a kink? 🫦

A kink is an interest in doing something socially abnormal, hence the extensive variety. Wikipedia says, “In human sexuality, kinkiness is the use of sexual practices, concepts, or fantasies that are not conventional.” I like to think of it as something you might want to do with a partner, but that if you did it amongst the general population or discussed it at a dinner party, it would be weird or taboo. For example, it’s not okay to hit a woman, but my kink might be that I want my partner to hit me in bed. More on that later, lol.

As more of a practice tended to by kinky people, BDSM is characterized by a variety of kinky, role-playing, erotic practices, defined as “B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/s (Dominance and submission), and S/M (Sadism and Masochism)” (Wikipedia). It extends into kink community sessions, safewords, and bdsm practitioners who have their own nonconformist yet healthy ways of exploring sexual identity.

“Many of our sexualities are at odds with who are in the rest of our lives…Someone who is really quite democratic, committed to egalitarianism, to the respect and dignity of all humans may want to enslave someone and treat them extremely badly in a sexual scenario.” — Alain de Botton, Design Matters Podcast.

Send this to your most respectful, egalitarian friend 😈

How is a kink different from a fetish? 🤔

Thank you for asking! As explained in the DSM-5, “fetishism is sexual arousal from nonliving objects or specific nongenital body parts.” (Wikipedia) The person who has the fetish is called the “fetishist”, and examples of a fetish could include shoes, body hair, and underwear; I can’t help but think of Fran from First Dates saying, “A man in tweed is all you need.”

Fetishes are related to kinks, but they’re not the same. One distinction that the literature discusses is that a kink enhances your intimacy connection with a partner; it’s something you want to do to a partner or have a partner do to you. Whereas a fetish is a sexual interest in an object that might replace a partner. Still, this is an oversimplistic definition. For example, spitting on a partner could be a fetish and a kink; you find spit sexually attractive (fetish) and you find spitting on a partner sexually exciting (kink). Sometimes it can be both.

It’s clear from this definition how it is wrong to fetishize sexual minorities, such as LGBTQ people or sex workers. A fetishist might see them as an object as opposed to a human being.

Let’s dig into my kinks then…

1. The Praise Kink: Being called a “good girl”, especially when I excel at doing something “bad.” 😈

“One of the things we want from sex is a release from the pressure to be a good boy or girl. We want to be seen as “good” but not having to be good in any kind of overly punitive way. So being bad yet accepted is a really strong sexual fantasy. It’s not just a sexual fantasy, it’s a human fantasy” — Alain de Botton, Design Matters Podcast.

I want my partner to praise me for doing something bad in an exceptionally good way, especially for something sexual. If I give my partner a really excellent blow job, it would be great if he could caress my face and hair while he’s in a state of stupefaction and say,

“Good girl.”

The origins of this kink are obviously quite Freudian. As a child, I went to a private, all-girls school. I was expected to be a “good girl”, meaning a well-behaved, rule-following, nice little girl who was delicate and feminine. I was also a people-pleaser who constantly sought the approval and praise of my teachers and parents. Of course, sexual activities, such as masturbation or giving oral sex, were obviously seen as very bad things to do that nobody talked about. So getting my partner to praise me for doing these is the ultimate inversion.

2. The Performance Kink: orgasming because my partner wants me to, under time pressure. 📈

“Our desires, and we can thank Freud for this, emerge from childhood and are reflections of all sorts of commitments and ideas” — Alain de Botton, Design Matters Podcast.

I want my partner to demand that I reach orgasm, and then allow me only a very short time to do that. Ideally, they would say something along the lines of,

“I want you to cum in the next 10 seconds, or else.”

And then they begin to count down from ten to zero, slowly, so that no matter which of my sex toy collection I’m using, I have to make myself come. You can see where this is going. If I perform well, then they can top it off by calling me a “good girl,” and I’m extremely happy.

I remember being under a lot of time pressure in my childhood. I was always forced to be on time for school, lessons, dinner, etc. Not only that, but at my school, I was constantly under pressure to perform well on exams, at piano recitals and ballet shows, in assembly, etc. I even remember my mother saying angrily, “We can do this the easy way or the hard way,” and then counting down from 5 to get us to do something like brush our teeth or sit down for dinner. In the adult inversion of these events, I enjoy being controlled and demanded to perform, but as a kid, I obviously hated it.

Send this to a rebellious friend of yours who also hated being controlled as a kid! 💥

“It’s exciting because it’s permission. It’s like the so-called dirty, shameful, private side is being accepted and witnessed by another person. And this is a vital corrective to the haunting feeling of loneliness which pursues all of us all the time.” — Alain de Botton, Design Matters Podcast.

I know that it is wrong to hit a woman and hurt other people, and that’s why I find it sexually exciting. I want my partner, whom I love and trust, to spank me as hard as they can on my ass, ideally leaving a mark for days, hurting me until I can’t take it anymore, and maybe even more than that. Perhaps we can then admire their handywork in the mirror.

There’s a strong submissive bend here, far away from how I present myself in my life as an independent woman, financially and otherwise. In this scenario, I want to be lying down on my bed, somewhat small, naked, and helpless. There’s power, ownership, and control at play here. Also, both my parents were raised disciplined with corporal punishment and made a point that they never wanted that for their children. So this could also have something to do with it.

4. The Choking Kink: On the verge of death, being held in place, unable to move 💀

“One has to go very carefully because issues of power are so troubling in the outside world...How do we stop this from simply being abuse?” — Alain de Botton, Design Matters Podcast.

If I happen to be with a male partner who is physically bigger than me (though this isn’t necessary), this kink is about the reversal of protection. I want this nice, loving, trustworthy partner role-play as a dom, to pin me down and choke me to the point where I know that he could kill me if he wanted to, but he’s choosing not to.

I’m not encouraging you to try this at home. This could be a dangerous situation if you don’t fully trust your partner (yet another reason we should not be dating assholes). I can only explore this kink with someone I really trust and feel safe with. Then and only then, paradoxically, can I consent to doing activities that are considered abusive.

5. The Creampie Kink: Getting filled by the sperm of many men 🍦

I like the idea of having multiple sexual partners in quick succession, in the style of the multiple cream pie or over consecutive days. I’m not sure what the sexual logic behind this is in my mind. Partly, I think it’s to do with increasing my chances of pregnancy. That’s hot. Plus, we might be confused about who the father is, which is also hot.

I like the idea of contradicting society’s traditional script that a long-term, dedicated monogamous relationship is the highest form of existence for a woman, and replacing it with a form of kink. Having sex with multiple men, giving me all their attention at once, takes them off their pedestal of being special and replaces it with my pleasure. Maybe it also gives me control? It speaks to my brat tendencies. I like to break the rules, and even though I’m submissive, I like being sexually deviant also. I can keep a secret, and these men may never find out about each other. Still, I’m not that reckless. I have my hormonal IUD. Plus, there’s always the risk of contracting an STD, so be careful, and again, don’t try this at home.

I hope you found this dip into my psyche both weird and wonderful. Overall, I believe that being a kinkster is a normal part of being human; there’s no need to be concerned about your mental health, necessarily, and we should avoid the pathologization of these basic human needs. After reading it, I’m curious to know what your kinks are. Where might those be coming from? (no pun intended). I hope you feel empowered to learn more about yourself and deconstruct some childhood shame in the process.

I’ll share some more updates soon about The Intimacy Journal! I can’t wait. It’s so close to being done.

Love you all!

Tash

💌 ✍️