How To Find Your Ultimate Life Purpose 🤲
A Complete Step-By-Step Guide To Enlightenment ✨ 👼
Congratulations!
By reading this article, you're taking the first step to embark on the transformative journey of a lifetime. This road is not for the faint-hearted. But if you’re sick to death of your mundane, stable, corporate 9-5, this is the easiest solution I can offer you. Ditch the bi-weekly injection of cash from your salary, the only thing that’s keeping you sane, and you’ll have a chance of discovering:
Your ultimate life purpose! 🤲
Discovering your ultimate life purpose is the solution to every single one of your problems. Whether you’re recovering from the existential heartbreak of disappointing your parents or you didn’t get that promotion at work you really wanted, identifying the special reason why you were put on this earth is the answer to everything. It solves everything because it makes every aspect of your current personality, identity, and how you define yourself not matter at all anymore. Who you were before is completely irrelevant! It’s time to discover the new you. The better you. The true you.
Did you get bullied in school? Did you get dumped by your partner, who you thought was the love of your life? Has your Saturn been returning for the last three years, but it’s never gotten back to you? Don't fret. We’re about to construct a whole new self on top of the less-than-perfect one you’ve currently got. Everything is going to become crystal clear. Of course, you're going to need all the spiritual (cough emotional cough) help you can get. But once you discover your ultimate life purpose, you will be bigger, better, richer, and more successful than you could ever have been!
All you have to do is follow these simple, easy steps in this exact order and within this exact time frame. Pay close attention. You can’t miss this.
So, what are you waiting for?
Read the philosophy of dead white men, or Rick Rubin 💀.
Unfortunately, you’re all kinds of misled these days with modern “woke” culture. For the kind of spiritual work you want to do, modern thinkers just won’t cut it. You need to start picking up those old, complicated books that no one you know has read or will ever understand. And once you start quoting the heck out of them, your friends will think you’re incredible and perceptive.
You’ll quickly realize how elevated you are intellectually compared to them. And the more philosophically superior you feel compared to other people, the closer you will be to breaking from the mold, denouncing capitalism, and discovering your ultimate life purpose. You’ll also distance yourself from everyone who has ever loved you in the process. But that’s beside the point.
So, go ahead and read Plato’s Republic, Nietzsche’s books on nihilism, Hume’s essays on skepticism, and what Proust wrote about whatever. Make sure you’re reading texts that are so convoluted that you would have to replace almost every word in it to make it resonate with you at all. You'll try to do this by replacing every mention of "he" with "she." You'll try to replace every mention of "God" with "non-gendered, energetic forces of the universe." The more mental rewriting of a text you have to do, and the more confused you feel as you're reading it, the better. Especially if you’re a woman or a person of color, the more alienated you feel as you read these works, the more disillusioned you will be with historical dead white man philosophy. And that means you’ll be broken further open from the comforting stability of your normal life.
Depression, jadedness, and nihilism will make sure that if you don’t feel like shit already, you will now. And then, taking stock of all the ways that you've been slighted, aggressed, oppressed, or you've suffered in your life will suddenly feel overwhelming. And that's the kind of spiritual breakthrough that we're looking for!
You need one more nail in the coffin of your old life for you to turn around and start seeking something bigger, grander, and more aligned with the energetic forces of the universe (of which there are many and which you are on the cusp of discovering).
It's depressing to read about God, Jesus, and men only, and that’s what is so fantastic about it. In addition to Rick Rubin’s book, “The Creative Act: A Way of Being,” I recommend Ernest Holmes’ book, “Creative Ideas.” It’s over 100 years old at this point, which means it’s niche and will give you that intellectual superiority over your normal friends before you cut them off completely. But seriously, that Ernest Holmes book of prayer-poems actually has some good stuff in it. It’s about The Science Of Mind and strikes the perfect balance between historically outdated, God-fearing language and modern-day manifesting.
Onwards!
Dive into your darkest trauma 🚷.
You can start to discover your ultimate life purpose in the way that I just described, but igniting your spiritual awakening with some kind of terrible trauma definitely helps. Debilitating breakups, grief, a fucked-up marriage you couldn't get out of for 20 years, eating disorders, and mental illnesses are all just signals that everything in your life is crumbling. You’re about to rebuild it back with your ultimate purpose, the answers from the universe that your old self was way too boring and mainstream to be able to see. All the worst shit that's ever happened to you will catalyze you to start seeking those really cool, really powerful spiritual medicines. Those will guide you to the light of knowing and discovering your ultimate life purpose.
It’s way easier to get your Saturn back to you when everything in your life is complete chaos. Only when you’re completely debased and freaked out to your very core can you be open to bigger possibilities. So be sure to start unpacking the deepest, darkest stuff that has ever happened to you, and see how long you last in the corporate mainstream!
3. Wake your inner witch 🧙.
It's time to start believing in a lot of stuff. Astrology, tarot cards, stars, shadow work, Reiki, acai, avocado toast, Birkenstocks, crystals, life coaches that charge $500 per hour, natural wines, and natural deodorants. You can start out small and work your way into it, like entering a scolding hot jacuzzi. Just keep dipping your toe in the water, and seven hours later, you’ll find yourself still completely submerged with your fingers as pruney as those Sun-Maid raisin boxes you hated eating in school.
If you start to smell, it's only your body's natural odors. And that is a gift to the world. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Oh, and you’ve also got to start wearing cloaky-looking linens with feathered hats and crystal necklaces. Soon, you’ll have a whole troupe of hippie, witchy friends who are way more enlightened than your friends from college ever were. You have to dress like your cool friends, too, because each of them knows what their ultimate life purpose is, but you still don’t. So if you copy everything they say and do, you’ll get there soon, too, kid. Don’t you worry.
Given the amount of mainstream, corporate, capitalist upbringing that you've had, you're going to need as many crystals, dreadlocks, and stick-and-poke tattoos as possible to save your soul. The more unrecognizable you look from your former self, the better. Compared to photos of yourself from even one or two years ago, today, you’re aiming to look completely unrecognizable. Obviously, you’re going to have to start composting, and you should have probably started being vegan yesterday. You should probably move to some kind of rural homestead because with so many microplastics polluting the world and giving cows cancer these days, you need to be able to control every single thing you put in your body. Only when you’re really and truly vibing with nature in this way will the forces of pacha mama bestow upon you the sole reason why you were put on this earth.
Now, you’ve also got to spend lots of time in the sun and wear lots of clunky jewelry with blue stones that will turn your fingers green. While these faux metals are releasing toxins into your skin, they’re the least of your worries. Because as you’ll soon learn, if you’re a woman, hormonal birth control is the devil.
Hormonal birth control was invented by “modern medicine.” “Modern medicine” prevents women from having babies they don't want to have and saves women from dying in childbirth. But don’t believe any of it. It's suspicious and not to be trusted. No matter how debilitating and fucked up your periods are, no matter how much you bleed, this pain was supposed to happen to you because you are a woman. And natural is ALWAYS better. None of that hormonal shit. None of that disrupting the natural cycle of a woman's body, that flows with the flowers of the river and the beacons of the sea.
You’re a creature of Mother Earth now. You had better revert to full-on nature, or else. Or else your cool spiritual hippie friends will judge you for taking a basic form of medication, which you reject only because it's easy to access and freely available in your privileged, probably European, high-quality-of-living country. The more dirt you’re eating and the closer physically you are to resembling soil, the closer you are to the purest and more authentic expression of your ultimate life purpose, which you’re about to discover. You don’t care that in other places in the world, some women wish they had medications in order to prevent pregnancy. What do they know? They’re not aligned with the great progress that you’ve made to discover your one true path.
Of course, you start out spiritual-lite. You feel unhappy one afternoon because you realize how disoriented you’ve always been from your true self, so you say a positive affirmation to yourself. Just one time, no harm in that. But then your friend gets you a rose quartz for your birthday. And pretty soon, you've got a shrine in your living room dedicated to Chris, your high school boyfriend, who since became an alcoholic banker in New York, because despite his obsession with the Jets, according to his Instagram, you know that your souls are meant to be together. You know that he is your twin flame. He just doesn't know it yet. And then you start burning sage and copal in your house, like any normal person who wants to clean their house of spirits and energies as well as the dust bunnies and that cranberry juice you spilled on the table three days ago but haven’t fully wiped up yet. It’s still sticky.
Before you know it, you’re microdosing every day, and you’re back in Tulum, Mexico, again. How did you end up here? Weren’t we trying to accomplish something important? But then again, what have you got to lose? You've always heard from your new hippie friends that Mexico is such a "healing" place. You hear the word "Tuluminati" thrown around, and you shake your head to yourself.
“That's not fair! Don’t judge me for wearing a cropped white floral waistcoat and a long, flowy linen skirt. I'm just way more in touch with my inner spiritual powers than they’ll ever be,” you say to yourself over your morning green smoothie. "I know who I am. They don't know anything."
And you are 1000% correct.
Discover authentic, ancient rituals 📜.
Once your disorientating trips of psychedelics get a little too intense, it's time to seek a more natural high by engaging in an “ancient" ritual so that you can finally get to the core of your ultimate life purpose. These rituals, of course, have been happening for thousands of years in their relevant lineages and indigenous communities. But they don’t really “exist” until you discover them!
One experience you’ve had your eye on is the temazcal, a traditional Mayan ritual and sweat lodge experience. Of course, you want the most traditional, the most expensive, and the most “authentic” temazcal experience that you can find. Your goal is to starve your body of warmth, then blast it with heat, then deprive yourself of water and oxygen at various points in the night so that you get through into hypervigilance that will break down your propensity for Western capitalism once and for all. It will restore your full connection with Mother Earth and finally squish you back together again, with your ultimate life purpose oozing out of every pour in your tiny, shaking being.
If you can't go to a temazcal, some kind of cacao or tea ceremony will do the trick. But make sure the guide for that experience is a white lady with thinly stenciled stick-and-poke tattoos all over her body and lots of chaotic energy. She will guide you to that dark place within yourself that irks you deeply in a very uncomfortable way. Still, at this point, you’ll do anything to try and gain some clarity on your direction in life.
Still, you somehow make it to this temazcal in Mexico City. It’s not quite as authentic as those in Tepotzlan, but the fact that a couple of Mexicans join you and your white hippie friends for the experience convinces you that this is authentic enough.
While you're taking part in the ancient ritual, you ask the guide, who is supposedly descended from the Mayans, in all earnestness,
"What do the Mayans think about the solar eclipse?"
Without hesitation, your guide will say,
"It doesn't mean anything in the Mayan culture. You do nothing."
You will hear this, but you won't really let it sink in because all that expensive, energetic work that your healer and your bodywork specialist were doing with you might be, well, completely redundant. Doing nothing, manifesting nothing, doesn't jive well with your intentions to conjure financial abundance and discover your ultimate life purpose during this solar eclipse.
So, in the future, you'll be sure to block out all mental questioning, doubts, and concerns about the true scientific and spiritual authenticity of what you and your hippie friends are doing. By now, with the amount of money, time, and effort you've personally invested into this journey, the sunk costs of it all feel too great for you to be able to back out. If none of this was true, well, you couldn’t look at yourself honestly in the mirror ever again. Instead, the only thing you can do is call out everyone from your old life for being inauthentic, misguided, medical, unspiritual, twisted by the claws of money, and ultimately lost.
"They're so dumb," you'll shake your fists at no one, "They believe all that scientific research that says astrology is unfounded? That is such bullshit. I'm a Cancer moon, an Earth star rising with Venus in retrograde. I am SUCH an Aries."
You are right. Everyone else is wrong. Don't worry.
Speak to the trees 🌿.
Now that you've physically exhausted yourself and your bank account with tinctures, rituals, extremely cold ice baths, and extremely advanced yoga positions that leave you able to tie yourself into a knot, it's time to make some real friends. It’s time to start talking to the trees and the animals. If you've done the last step correctly, this step will be incredibly easy. Your body will be so glad to have oxygen flowing around it again that soon you'll be Snow White singing to the elves, the birds, and the bunnies. Or was it Sleeping Beauty?
Back when you were a corporate square, you never had time to look up at the stars or gaze closely at the leaves on a tree. But now that you're broke and wandering through the jungle at the edge of your latest retreat space (You’re in the middle of Guatemala. You're not exactly sure how you got there, but you’re there, and you’re healing), suddenly the trees, the animals, the lake, the sky, and the stars will all start talking to you all at the same time.
You realize this whole time, you thought the trees would speak to you in English, but of course, they have their own language. You learned long ago that English is a colonial language that destroyed all connection to the indigenous practices in the land that your settler ancestors bulldozed for profit. You basically decide that in order to be your authentic being and to reconnect with the universe, you need to give up language altogether, except when you’re speaking to the low-intellectual, basic people in English. Those people don’t have other languages like you do. You find teachers of white and European descent to help you connect with the tree and lake languages because they feel the most authentic to you.
Your Ultimate Life Purpose Revealed 👀.
At last, you’re in your shabby-chic temple home in Tulum. You’ve invited a group of ten white women in yoga pants from LA to sit with you for cacao. As a white woman, Tulum is where you have found your calling, your ultimate life purpose. No one can truly understand your spirituality or your experience. It’s too distinct, it’s too unique.
You’re wearing flowing, dark green linens. They cost almost a thousand dollars and were handmade by a 65-year-old woman named Heather, a real ex-hippie residing in Marin, California.
You’re in the portal now. You meta-out-think every single girl sitting in front of you and what their feelings and experiences are. You can read everything about a person in a second. You can read their entire personalities, ancestral lineages, and even whether they prefer vanilla ice cream to chocolate.
You’ve long replaced Chris at the center of your shrine in your living room, and instead, you have a shrine to yourself, dressed as the Virgin Mary. Sometimes, your hands start shaking with the powerful energy that reverberates between your fingers.
You draw the women in the circle inwards. They are all obsessed with you and dying to hear your hour-long story about how you sat in 15 consecutive peyote ceremonies in Guatemala with Kyle, your ultimate spiritual healer, and your actual twin flame. Even though Kyle is from Boise, Idaho, he’s the only one who has declared to have seen the true visions of the high Marakame during his ego death on the shores of Lake Atitlan some six years ago.
Kyle is your boyfriend, and although you center most of your life around him, you go ahead and shout at the woman complaining about their lousy partners.
“Women just don’t need men as much as they think they do, you know,” you say.
You pass around a cup of cacao to each girl, which you hand-picked yourself in Chiapas. You also draw a tarot card for each of them, and you tell them to put their full intentions, their body, their mind, and their spirit into the card. You used to draw words from a bag, but then one time, in one of your circles, the white women pulled “Live,” then “Laugh,” and then “Love,” all in a row. You almost threw up because it reminded you of those wall hangings you had seen on Pinterest from Target back when you used to do advertising at your old marketing job. That’s why you stick to the tarot cards. It suits you better energetically, and there’s more room for interpretation.
You look up at them, poor little things chained to the desks of capitalism and mainstream society. You pity them. Try as you might to open them up; all these closed little clams have no chance of reaching the same spiritual and emotional depths that you have. You want to help the poor women in your circle, but you also struggle to relate to them. With all the orgies you took part in while high on the trifecta of shrooms, LSD, and MDMA at Burning Man, these girls feel like they’ve been locked away in a 14th-century convent their entire lives. You’re unique in that way. That’s what makes you special.
As the girls sip their cacao silently, you announce to the group:
“My ultimate life purpose is to heal people.”
💌 ✍️
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Cacao in Tulum sounds great. Where do I sign up?
The way I cackled reading this 😂