Get Laid in Mexico City: The 24-Hour Challenge ⏳

Your Ultimate Dating Guide to CDMX 🇲🇽 🔥

Feb 17, 2026

The following article was rejected from McSweeney’s. As you know, I’m a big believer in publishing work that is rejected by major publications because our creative work matters and deserves to be shared with the world. I’m on holiday right now, and will be back with more next week. Enjoy this spicy guide in the meantime! Love, Tash 💌 ✍️

Initiation ☄️

You’re headed to CDMX this weekend, and you’re horny as hell. Sure, you want to know where you can fill up on some completely unspicy tacos al pastor. But you made a fatal mistake: you bragged to your sad roommate, Sarah, and your boring coworker, Brian, about your trip. Now your Google Maps is flooded with their billion useless touristy recommendations. Yellow stars. Pink hearts. What does it all mean?

Don’t worry, friend! It’s time to shit, shower, shave, and scroll through the city’s raunchiest destinations. Pick your place based on who you’re trying to bang. And, dude, maybe don’t wear those dorky flip flops? You’re in the largest city in North America, not your mom’s backyard. It’s go time!

Activation: CDMX Date Spots 📍🗺️

Oropel, Roma Norte. Gagging for an artsy trust-fund kid? Teleport straight here from Brooklyn. Oropel means “tinsel” in Spanish, but there’s nothing Christmasy or cringe about it: only elevated, understated hipster cool. Don your Salomons, cross-body fanny pack, 90s-resurrected jeans, and tats to fit right in. Queer-friendly 🎨 🤑 🌈.

NIV Bar, Condesa. Sugar daddies for the win. Friday and Saturday, 11pm onwards. Pro tip: Quit your job and brush up on your pádel and golf skills before you go. One cocktail will upgrade you to homewrecker on a flight to “mantenida” (kept woman), via a beach trip to Acapulco. Wake up in your new mansion in Bosques de Santa Fe, a gated suburb with armed guards that traps the rich people in, as much as it keeps the commoners out. It’s the nightlife-to-wife pipeline. You’ve been warned 😬.

Caimán / TRAMPA / Hule, Condesa. The best dating spots when you’re clueless about the cooler speakeasies. Sample the same flavor of young Mexican “fresas” (upperclass snowflakes) from Las Lomas. Make sure to poke a hole in the condom while he’s talking about his family’s estate in Valle de Bravo, so your kids can be featured on Sucesión, Season 20. Don’t be fooled: he lives with his parents, and soon you will too, after you give up on your “progressive” ideals of feminism. Stop paying for stuff! You’re making life unnecessarily hard 💎💅.

Tlecān, Roma Norte. TimeOut’s third-best bar in North America is now overrun by equally horny gringos just like you! Discuss the “authentic” pre-Hispanic vibes over a mezcal with Brett from BCG and Connor from McKinsey. Then cross that threesome off your bucket list ✅.

Send this to someone who won’t shut up about CDMX 🇲🇽 🙉.

Balagán, Juárez. Avoid this place. You’ll meet 25-year-old divorcée José Marco Treviño de la Treviño, a “norteño” (northerner) from Monterrey, armed with his daddy’s Amex. But don’t expect to bang! You’re not his cousin/type. Instead, head to El Ayer, Roma Norte. Pick the next “chilango” (Mexico City local) finance bro you can find. Ten cocktails deep, you’ll be putting whoever’s whatever into your orifices in the back of an Escalade all the way to Interlomas. No need to Uber when you’ve got a chauffeur 👨🏼‍✈️ 🚔.

Send this to someone who might date their cousin 😱

Spot José Marco in the crowd @balagan.mx

Sports World, Condesa. Cruise on through, gays. This is the official sister gym to Equinox in WeHo. Forget the towel altogether and go get ‘em, queen. Trashier alternative: Smart Fit, Reforma 222. Straight version: Síclo El Parian, Roma Norte for a sweaty spin class in the dark 🏋 🧖🏽‍♂️.

Departamento, Roma Norte. Snag a vanilla banker with bottle service. Run by the cartels, this nightclub is known for Rohypnol with your rum and Coke. A dab of fentanyl with your blow. Careful! Gay equivalent: SIC, Juárez 🕺🏻❄️.

Parque Pentathlón, Roma Sur. Stop by the afternoon pickleball courts to find a frisky foreigner who is too nomadic to commit to anything 🥒🎾.

Pronovias CDMX, Polanco. If you’re Lauren Sanchez reincarnated, and your lip filler stretches as long as Rodeo Drive, go here to pick out your husband and wedding dress after you’ve gone full “buchona” (cartel wife aesthetic). They might seem laid back in Latin America, but trust me, you can’t escape the Mexican culture of matrimonio 💍 💒.

Koti Wellness, Condesa. Syphon off the sperm of a startup bro and spiritual narcissist as you sweat in the sauna. This is your chance to show off all the torture and financial turmoil you put yourself through at Barry’s. Take your new bae to the cafe Espíritu Sano, Condesa, for an antioxidant smoothie after, so they can bore you to death with their Burning Man stories before you bang 💦🔥.

Haab Project, Condesa. Pick up an expat who can’t speak Spanish and is avoiding taxes, while soaking up all the “rich history.” It’s casual dating only before he jet-sets off to his crypto mine in Siberia. Make sure he’s a member so you can enjoy the rooftop bar. Finding-yourself-in-Mexico first date approved ✈️ 💸 💀.

Here for a good time, not a long time @haabproject

Hermanos Koumori, Condesa / Metta Running House, Polanco. Rich, athletic hotties who spend more on running gear than the average local salary. The ultimate Type 2 fun for those who are fit and want to fuck. At 7,350ft, the altitude will kick your ass. Let the Prince of Pemex sweep you off your feet after you faint. Follow the Koumori cult on Strava 🏃👑.

Send this to someone who likes Type 2 fun 🤮

Huerto Roma Verde, Roma Sur. Are you healing from the sickness of capitalism? Head here to find yourself a washed-up Tuluminati wearing rags on the edge of “clothing optional,” sprinkled with undiagnosed mental health issues 🌿 🔮.

Parque México, Condesa. If you’re even remotely Catholic, you have to be extremely careful walking through this place. You might just trip over some cute dude’s French bulldog and land with an engagement ring on your finger before you can pronounce his name properly. It’s “Gerardo.” Good luck with that 🦮🌳.

Miscellaneous last resorts. Swipe on Bumble if you want to meet a local with a foreigner fetish, or Hinge to meet the rich Whitexican of your bank account’s dreams. Revuelta Queer House, Roma Norte, the epicenter of the dating scene for a “romantic” queer meet-cute-fuck. Sungay Brunch, if you want to relive your boozy dartying days. Or take your chances “metreando” (the last car on the metro) for sketchy night cruising 🏳️‍🌈 🫣.

Terrible date ideas (Do not attempt in any way, shape, or form): Visiting Frida Kahlo’s House, Coyoacán, unless you want to date a semi-retired woman from Arizona named Karen. Going to Chapultepec Park. Tinder. Churros or ice cream. Mariachi in Plaza Garibaldi, Centro. Dating a waiter from Quintonil or Pujol, Polanco (trust me, I’ve tried that and it backfired). Trajineras in Xochimilco, unless you want to be trapped on a boat getting serenaded post-rejection. Hidden gems that aren’t so hidden that you think are “unique experiences” 🙅‍♀️.

Fuckery Achieved 🏆

Got your spot in mind? Perfect. Now, get the hell out of your Airbnb! You’ll be bragging to your basic friends back home in no time, so even more of them can come here and #gentrify. You’re welcome! 💪