Does Penis Size Matter?
The honest opinion of one random girl on the internet.
Introduction
In college, I started sleeping with this cute guy from my Accounting class called Simon. Simon was a nice boy from Connecticut. He was athletic, kind, and eager to walk me home safely after our nights together, which I liked. But there was one thing about him that gave me hesitation: Simon’s penis was very large. Or, more specifically, Simon’s penis was too large for me.
I am not writing this article to ding on men like Simon because the unfair thing about a physical attribute like penis size or height is that the person can’t change it. However, I believe our culture is wrong when it tells us that bigger penises are always better. I think that men with average-sized or even small penises should feel proud and comfortable with their bodies and that the problems around heterosexual sex have nothing to do with penis size at all. Here is my full explanation as to why.
Why Penis Size Is Irrelevant
The idea that “bigger is always better” when it comes to penis size represents a fundamental misunderstanding of how females experience sexual pleasure and what great, enjoyable heterosexual sex is.
At least for me, a bigger dick does not equal more pleasure during penetration. In fact, for most females, their pleasure has very little to do with penetration at all. As Dr. Laurie Mintz, a professor of Psychology at the University of Florida, explains in her TEDTalk, only 4% of women consider vaginal sex their main route to orgasm. She then explains in her book “Becoming Cliterate”:
“The idea that we should orgasm from intercourse is the number one reason for the pleasure gap…We’re doing too much of what we consider “fucking” (a.k.a intercourse) and not enough other sexual activities.”
When we’re too concerned about penis size, we’re distracted from the real culprit that is stopping us from having great heterosexual sex with our partner(s):
“78% of women’s orgasm problems are caused by not enough or not the right kind of clitoral stimulation.” (Mintz)
Clitoral stimulation matters way more than penis size. I count myself in the 96% of women who orgasm more easily through means other than vaginal sex, and to be honest, I don’t find even penetrative sex that pleasurable.
So, if you’re a man having heterosexual sex and you ever find yourself worrying about the size of your penis, remember: vaginal sex is the reliable way that males reach orgasm, but not females! Most likely, she’s having sex with you so that you can enjoy it because penetrative sex probably is not going to be the most pleasurable part for her. (Although I have one magical female friend who is the exception to this rule. That’s her story to tell.)
My Preferences for Penis Size
What is too large for me?
When I found myself in Simon’s bed in his frat house, with my head closer to his knees than his face, I understood the scale of the problem. Simon was very well endowed. I’d go as far as to say that when erect, his penis was somewhere between 7 and 8 inches long (17 – 20 cm). It was also quite thick. I’m 5’8” (172cm), which probably doesn’t make a difference, but given my physique and how my body is laid out, this was just too much penis for me to take comfortably on a regular basis.
The reality is that unless I’m highly aroused, penetrative sex is not very pleasurable for me, and it’s painful for me in most positions. So, I usually have to hug quite close to the guy while I sit on top (none of that reverse-cowgirl shit!). I personally would take a medium-sized dick over a large dick any day when it comes to having consistent sex with a boyfriend or partner.
Of course, there may be many women out there with far larger vaginas than me who enjoy bigger penises. That’s great for them. In which case, they would probably be a better match for Simon and other men with large penises long-term than I am.
Why Do You Have Penetrative Sex Then?
That is a good question. The truth is, I don’t need to. It’s interesting to take a page out of the book of lesbian sex in this regard. As Dr. Mintz writes, “When two women get it on, they mostly focus on stimulating each other’s clitorises; penetration (e.g. a strap-on or dildo) is a totally optional activity, only incorporated if one of the women finds it enhances her arousal and orgasm.”
In terms of pleasure, according to the International Academy of Sex Research in 2017, quoted in the Guardian, lesbians have far more orgasms during sex than heterosexual women on average. Lesbians reportedly orgasm 86% of the time during sex, compared to 65% of heterosexual women who are having sex with men. Yet another reason why I’m grateful to be bisexual. Still, I think it’s more important for men to learn how to use the penis they have rather than focus on how big their penis is. But explaining that would require me to write another article, which I don’t have time for right now.
Still, I like penetrative sex for the purpose of pleasing my male partner (they enjoy it, and it’s a nice thing to do for them). Also, I have fantasies about creampies and the dangers of pregnancy because my baby fever is crazy these days, even though we’re probably doing it safely with a condom. And I also like losing control and letting go because I’m a sub. For the most part, I do not have penetrative sex for my own pleasure. And if you were to try and convince me otherwise, it means that you probably don’t know how to listen to a woman when she is standing there and telling you her truth to your face.
Conclusion
What Matters More Than Penis Size? And Whatever Happened To Simon?
Did I write Simon off for having too big of a penis? Ultimately, I did not. That was because he understood the fundamentals of great sex, which have nothing to do with the size of his penis: patience and clitoral stimulation. Just like the man who loved my bush, I dated Simon for a lot longer than I expected because he took time for my pleasure and he ate me out so well. 10/10. Well done, Simon. He understood that I experience pleasure through other means, and he took the time and care to understand what those were. However, things fizzled out when he pursued his banking internship over the summer.
The moral of the story is that our cultural narratives around penis size are harmful, wrong, and distracting. While I have a personal preference for more average-sized penises, what’s far more important than the size of a man’s penis is his desire and efforts to please me as well as himself, and the kindness and quality of his heart (soppy but true). When it comes to heterosexual sex, for most females, the male penis does not have magical powers. This is best summarized in my favorite passage from the book, “She Comes First” by Ian Kerner (subtitled “The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring A Woman.”)
“In letting go of intercourse, we open ourselves up to new creative ways of experiencing pleasure, ways that might not strike us as inherently masculine, but that ultimately allow us to be more of a man. Sex is no longer penis-dependent, and we can let go of the usual anxieties about sex, stamina, and performance.”
So, if you’re a man reading this, take it from me: your penis is big enough. Trust me, it is. And also, it doesn’t matter how big your penis is because it won’t make your female partner orgasm anyway. Now, do yourself a favor and go read up on how to stimulate her clitoris properly, or ask her how she likes to please herself and then try to replicate that. If all else fails, here’s the article I wrote which explains this.
Good luck! You got this.
💌 ✍️
p.s. I am hosting another Sex Writing Workshop this Thursday June 20th 2024! Hope to see you there!