Advice For The Newly Divorced Woman

Dedicated to my friend, Tina.

This piece is dedicated to all the women who are freshly divorced. I wrote it for my friend, Tina. I have never been married or divorced, so please take everything I say with a giant pinch of salt🧂.

P.C. Cody Doherty

Dear Tina,

This is a pivotal moment in your life. You left that asshole and you moved out. You’ve accomplished something you never thought you could do. And you’re literally doing it all.

You’re 40, living in Seattle, and working full time while you’re getting your CPA certification so that you can become an accountant and make more money while having more flexibility with your kids. And now you’ve got 50-50 custody of the two little ones with your ex-husband. Damn girl! That’s a lot to take in.

When we talked on the phone yesterday, you were sitting in your new apartment. It was your first night alone for as long as you could remember. As I listened to you, I felt overwhelmed for you in a good way. You’re on the precipice of your new self and new life. I guess the first thing I want to say to you is: life is fucking hard sometimes. Sometimes it sucks to be a woman. Sometimes the universe forces us to put our big girl pants on and woman the fuck up. After we cry it all out, of course. (Remember: crying is healthy and good for you). Anyway, in your current situation, I am both heartbroken and ecstatically happy for you at the same time.

You know me. I’m not yet 40, I don’t have any kids, and I’ve never been married. So, I can’t say that I relate. But you are re-entering the world of being a single woman, and that’s a land I’ve existed in for quite some time now. It’s not as bad as people say it is here. If you can swing it right, it’s a fabulous existence. Luckily, I have some kick-ass older female friends, and I’ve read the work of other women who are twice as old as me and at least three times as wise as me. So, if you find any of this useful, trust me, it was all them.

Here are eight things I want you to remember:

1. Your divorce is a badge of honor. Please wear it as such.

   I’m lucky to have brilliant, divorced female friends in their 40s and 50s. They regularly tell me how grateful and happy they are that their marriages ended. One such woman, Ruth Brandt, even has a one-woman show called “Happily Divorced”. It’s pretty cool.

   I am sorry that your marriage to the father of your children didn’t work out. But you’re now part of a much more awesome club that I honestly wish I belonged to: the women who have said “fuck it” and who are living their best lives. You, like them, have earned your battle scars. Like that violent poem that dude wrote, your “head is bloody, but unbowed.”

   I hope you feel proud to be divorced. Anyone who makes you feel otherwise doesn’t care about your happiness and doesn’t believe women should be entitled to their own time, their own enjoyment, and their own lives. We can be grateful that you were born today and not 100 years ago when our female ancestors couldn’t do what you’re doing right now. So, thank God you got the hell out of there!

2. Your children are probably better off now.

   Using marriage to keep a family together is a weird thing. I got into a heated discussion with my mother about this the other day. My grandparents, her parents, had had a very messy divorce that lasted for years when she was a teenager. My mother said to me,

   “The best thing I have done for you as my children was to stay together with your father.”

   I love my mother, but I disagree with her on this. I believe my parents are happily married, but choosing to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of children is like sentencing yourself to life in prison when you could walk free. It affects everything around you. It drags you down and keeps you as a hollow shell of yourself for decades. Why stay unhappy with someone who is grumpy and makes you miserable? For what?

   Trust me, your kids probably just want you to be happy. And you’re going to be able to be a far better mother to them when you’re thriving on your own and not forcing yourself to try to make it work with a person you haven’t loved for a long time.

3. Patience with yourself is a virtue.

   This transition is going to take some time, baby. It will take a year or two to figure out what you should do on Thursday nights between 6 and 8 pm when your kids are with their dad. You’re used to having dogs, cats, kids, and chaos, but now it’s little ole’ you.

   In this tender time, please be patient with yourself. Please only say nice things to yourself that your friends and people who love you would say. Please don’t compare yourself to other people. Don’t say,

   “Well, Belinda divorced Mark, remarried within two years, and now runs her yoga studio.”

   Nope. We don’t give a fuck about what Belinda is doing. We care about how you are doing. So, for goodness sake, don’t compare yourself to other people. As the psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson suggests, compare yourself to yourself.

   From here on out, look back on last night, when you were sitting in your new, furniture-less apartment alone for the first time, and compare yourself to yourself in that moment. You are growing one day at a time, even if some days it doesn’t feel like it. You can do this.

4. Put yourself first for a change.

   Welcome to the single lady life! This realm is all about being selfish and relishing in that. It’s about eating out wherever you want, spending lots of money on bougie bakery bread just because you want to, and eating chocolate bars for breakfast if it makes you happy. You also get to sleep well in your own bed and be very discerning about what male energy, if any, you want to bring into your personal space.

   Now that you’re in the single women realm, it’s time to remember that you are a full-bodied, warm-blooded human being. Your selfhood extends far beyond being a provider to your children as their mother or a supporter to your husband as his (now ex) wife. So, please start making time for the things that make you feel like you again, whether it’s girlie cocktail nights, scuba-diving, or reading steamy romance books. It all counts. And it’s all about you.  

5. Try dating younger men.

   A couple of older women I know date much younger men in their 20s and 30s. Cindy Gallop is particularly outspoken about this, one of her main points being that younger men have more stamina in bed than older men. Lol.

   So, you’re 40 and wondering if it’s weird for you to date a 29-year-old dude? A-hem? *clears throat* Do we bat an eyelid at a 15-year age difference between an adult man and a much younger woman? Then why should it be any different for you? Go for it.

6. Have lots of orgasms.

   Once you’re in the mood for more fun, I highly recommend figuring out what turns you on and getting into that. This might include getting a man who loves your bush, and taking the BSDM test. I’ve written a piece all about this called “How To Achieve Orgasm Equality,” which a couple of my female friends in their 50s have found especially helpful. Many are onto their second husbands, or at least long-term partners who are obsessed with them and love to please them. Hearing their pleasure stories makes me happier than just about anything in the world.

   Also, if you have disposable income, please buy yourself some new toys. I like the magic wand, but the Lioness is also good (I have an affiliate link with them, FYI). Of you can come to one of my workshops. I teach people how to explore their sexuality through writing.

7. Embrace the weirdness of this phase. Get comfy with crazy.

   I have no idea what it’s like to be 40, but Anne Helen Petersen wrote a great piece called “Are You In The Portal?” It was inspired by an Instagram post by Anja Tyson, who described, “the weird spiritual / emotional / professional / transitional portal that women ages 37 to 45 are in.” In it, Petersen asks women about all the bizarre surges of creative energy they’re feeling in this stage of life. Gardening and writing that book you’ve always wanted to write? Yes, please!

8. You’re still hot, trust me.

   This point needs no explanation. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been in mom mode for 5+ years and your ex-husband was a dick about the stretch marks on your belly. You might have forgotten that you’re still hot shit, but the world certainly hasn’t. And neither has the cute attendant at your local coffee shop who is maybe a couple years older than your teenage son.

   I dare you to indulge in things that you like or things that make you feel sexy. A cute blouse that shows your cleavage? Getting a bright red pedicure? Having that second glass of red wine? Holding different-shaped fruits at the farmers’ market? You know what I mean.

Anyway, my dear, I have to go. I hope you found anything I had to say here helpful. I know you’re surprised you made it out of that marriage, but I’m not. You’ve survived the worst of it, and you’re in a crazy transition. But you’re doing it, and you’re doing it well.

I’m sending you love. As my college chaplain, Chaz Howard, wrote to me in a letter:

“I’m so proud of the woman you are becoming.”

You can do this!

Love you,

Tash

💌 ✍️